Is Speaking Up Always Worth It?

A couple of weeks ago, I had a conversation that I've been thinking about ever since. At the time, I was bemoaning what I saw as the hypocrisy of straight and cisgender allies who will happily accept awards for "supporting the LGBT+ community" in public but then will fail to call out friends and family who say bigoted things in front of them. My parents responded by saying that, to be fair to those supposed allies, speaking out in such situations isn't always worth it.

This statement has been playing on repeat in my mind for the last month or so, and for a while I couldn't figure out why it bothered me. While I understand the idea of picking your battles and know that it would be impossible to call out every slightly problematic statement we encounter in life, something about the idea of shrugging off a prejudiced comment with the defence that "it's just not worth it" troubled me. After giving it a lot of thought, I think I've figured out why.

First of all, let's consider how we decide what makes taking a stand in a situation "worth it". In any interpersonal situation, I would argue that most people (subconsciously or otherwise) weigh up the costs and benefits of a statement before we make it. Most people don't go around saying whatever is on their mind at any given moment, at least in part because to do so would be socially damaging. A cost-benefits calculation applies to any interaction, even apparently innocuous ones like deciding whether or not to tell everyone the terrible pun that just came into your head (benefits = they may think it's hilarious; cost = they may think it's awful and never wish to associate with you again), but in this case I want to consider specifically the situation wherein a person you are with makes an offensive comment and you have to decide whether or not to contest it. The potential costs of the situation will vary, but will likely take into account the possibility of the following: making a scene, losing standing among social group, being seen as a killjoy, angering the person who made the comment, and so on. In more extreme situations, you might have to consider the likelihood that your physical safety could be endangered or you could even be arrested, but those are less likely and not what I'm really addressing here. Either way, it seems that you have a lot to lose if you speak out in a public situation. What then are the possible benefits of it? What do you stand to gain here? There is your personal dignity, of course, the sense that you have stood up for your moral principles and done "the right thing". Then there is the chance that you could change the mind of the person who made the comment. Perhaps you could sow a seed of doubt in their intolerant mind that will one day blossom into acceptance and understanding - but is that really worth the risk?

Here's where I believe the problem lies. If you see the only tangible benefit of speaking out as possibly changing the mind of the bigot in question, of course it's not going to seem worth it. I feel that this, along with the feeling that you're abiding by your personal code of honour, are usually the only benefits taken into account when people weigh up whether or not to speak up in the face of ignorance. My issue, then, is that there are other benefits which are not being considered.

There's more to speaking out against intolerance than the possibility of changing the offending person's mind, and to reduce it to that is to disregard the other important effect of taking a stand: reducing harm. If you are in a group, it's always worth considering that even if nobody else contests whatever offensive thing is being said, that doesn't mean none of them were affected by it. I can't count the number of times I have been in a group situation when someone has said something homophobic that I found deeply hurtful, but which I found myself unable to respond to either because I was still in the closet or was afraid of being attacked further if I said anything. Every one of those times, if just one person had spoken out and said that whatever homophobic thing was mentioned wasn't on, I would have felt relieved and infinitely safer in that situation. Yet almost every time it happened, nobody said anything. Remember this: no matter how uncomfortable you feel contesting a bigoted comment, it is nothing compared to how people of the marginalised identity in question will feel. If you want to be a true ally, your job at times like that is to speak up for the people who can't speak for themselves.

So that's my defence of speaking up in group scenarios, but what about in one-to-one conversations? What if it's just you and one person, and you know that there's no chance of anybody overhearing? In that case, the benefit of questioning what they've said is that it might make them a bit slower to repeat similar statements in future. As a queer person, I don't care if most people are homophobic in their thoughts - what I do care about is that they keep them to themselves. Even if you think telling your friend to shut up won't change their mind, it will still indicate to them that their bigotry is not acceptable. Very often, it is this belief that their views are not socially acceptable that stops people from participating in obvious bigotry, rather than a true sense that it is wrong.

I say all that to say this: keeping silent is just as much of a choice as speaking up, even if it is the easier option. I can't speak for other marginalised identities, but I will say that if you are a man or a straight person, one of the greatest things you can do for me as an ally is to question sexism and homophobia when you encounter it. The sad fact is that your objection will likely carry more weight than mine would, and you are less likely to be put in danger by speaking up. The next time you are confronted with the choice to speak up or remain silent, I hope that you will consider first and foremost the impact that your choice will have on the victims of intolerance, rather than the potential to convince people with intolerant views.

PS: Thank you to my parents for providing the inspiration for this post!